Boot camp and basic training are high stress environments. That, combined with some genius/cruel Drill Instructors leads to pretty funny incidents.
I Own Your Soul
When I was on Parris Island, we were drilling on the parade deck and this one recruit kept messing up. Our drill instructor stopped us, stalked up to the recruit, and started wearing. him. out. Gave him the classic DI: screaming in both ears, spit flying, smacking him in the face with his cover.
Eventually, the recruit broke down and silent tears started streaming down his face. The DI took his finger, wiped a tear from the recruits eye, and licked it, telling the recruit “Now I own your soul.”
The Battle of the Monitor and Merrimac
The first couple weeks of boot are full of medical and dental exams, and if you need a procedure, you get it done right there. Tons of guys had their wisdom teeth pulled, and we had one guy come back right before lights out with his mouth full of gauze and loopy from the drugs.
Our DI called us all to the center of the room, formed us up, and then told us to sit Indian style on the floor, and that Recruit Toothy was going to tell us a bedtime story.
He pulled up a chair for Toothy, and then told him to tell us the story of the battle of the Monitor and Merrimac. Toothy mumbled that he didn’t know the story, so the DI told him to just make it up, and for every fact that he got right, we’d get to sleep an extra 5 minutes in the morning.
What followed was like a live episode of Drunk History, minus any factual accuracy. As best as Toothy could recall, the Monitor was British, the Merrimack was “Old Ironsides”, and that in the end, “they shot the sh*t out of each other and everybody died. The end.”
We were all dying laughing, but the DI sat there stone faced. After Toothy was done, DI just stood up and said “That is exactly how it happened. Well done,” got up, turned off the lights, and walked out.
Hope Your DI Isn’t This Mean
We had a drill sergeant make a private carry a branch everywhere she went so it would replenish all the oxygen she was wasting.
We had a guy named Fitzwater, we called him “Fats-water”. We weren’t just calling him just cause he was fat (he was), he was a lazy piece of shit who was constantly pretending to be hurt to get out of work. Anyways, he got pissed at us one day and said “if anyone calls me fats-water again I’m going to tell drill sergeant!” Immediately the drill sergeant walks in and goes “hey what’s up fats-water?”
A mother of one of the other privates sent him a photo of a drill sergeant trashing a locker, with a letter saying “hope you’re drill sergeant isn’t as mean as this! :)” it turned out that it was a picture of our dill sergeant. He had posted on Facebook that ended up going viral, she was just looking up pictures of drill sergeants and it just happened to be him.
Thanks to the Veterans over at Reddit for sharing their boot camp stories.
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